MY POSTPARTM

I gave birth by C Section at 38 Weeks. I never experienced active labor, just being in the hospital for hours hooked up to machines, then walking down the hall to the O.R. At 7:39pm I heard my sons first cry. I did not see him till he was clean , weighed , measured and wrapped. I do not know what color my baby was when he entered the world. I do not know if he was covered in blood or the thick white stuff babies sometimes have. But with that I was not upset. For when I heard him cry I knew he was safe. He was safe from me and our continuing complications and had safely made it into the world.

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Days and weeks went by. I was adjusting, my boyfriend was adjusting. Life was on the go! There was no slowing down! But then at 8 weeks postpartum it hit me. I was a breastfeeding , diaper changing , exhausted machine. Though my days were full of love and unforgettable new moments with my new baby. My favorite part of the day for myself was my shower. Taking off the milk filled breast pads. Stepping into a hot shower. Closing my eyes and just standing there. No one needing anything from me. Then like every other day, my shower came to an end and i had to face myself in the mirror. I  had to look at what was left of my body after 9 months of growing my own human. I did not recognize me. My stomach was miss shaped . My scar from my incision still puffy. My stretch marks more apparent than the day before . My jaw line still not recognizable. My breast a new shape and color from feeding my new life. My physical confidence and identity was gone. 

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As I always say, the body and mind go hand in hand. My mind was becoming mean and unfair. I told myself I was ugly. I was ruined. I thought I wasn't worth loving anymore. Why would someone want to look at me. My thoughts could go on and on. The negativity was only to me though! I shined bright as a mother! Never missing a feeding, never missing a cry and always giving my baby love and care. 

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The day I had gone to my boyfriend and said I wanted to go see a therapist I got a text from someone very close to me inviting me to do a workout challenge with her. She had asked multiple times before but I constantly put it off due to my busy lifestyle. But this time, I read the text, opened the website to the program and made the purchase before I could even think about saying no.

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I started our new program at 13 weeks postpartum and 150lbs. Day one of the challenge I woke up with a whole new mindset. I made every meal I suppose too and did every part of the workout I could. Some days were harder than others. Some days I could feel my incision pulling and others I couldn't. But I promised not to get frustrated with myself and give myself grace. Doing anything was more than what I was doing the day before. So I continued to push forward. In 2 weeks I had lost 5lbs! I was so excited! This made my drive stronger! My workouts were getting more intense! By week 6 i was seeing definition again in my muscles. I couldn't believe my eyes! My confidence was returning rapidly. Not because I was back to my pre pregnancy weight but because I was so damn proud of myself! 

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As our Challenge came to an end I had seen my physical changes through progress photos along the way. The scale was much lower. I had lost a total of 11lbs in 8 weeks. I was truly amazed by myself. I was such an average person! I was a normal new mom! How did I do so well? 

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Though I did not look like my pre pregnancy self. I looked like a new me! I feel confidence in a whole new way. I feel proud and strong. Mentally and physically. I noticed I was being so kind to myself! I was telling myself I was amazing! I was feeling beautiful and energized! My depression has disappeared. I was me!

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I was a better mom with my new confidence and energy. I was easily getting on and off the floor to play. Going up and down the stairs in the middle of the night wasn't a hard task anymore. I had motivation to continue to better myself, my home and my sons life. 

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I never planned on being me pre pregnancy again. Because she is gone. I am a new me with my new life , my new body and my new mindset.

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I love me . I love my son . I love my life 

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